Desperation of Figuring Life Out

Figuring my role in life is the hardest part of living it.

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Everytime I feel as I have made the cut, figured it out. Someone comes along and gives an impression that I have nothing sorted out. It’s even more disorienting when it’s someone close.
The biggest decision I made this year is changing my career. Or rather diving into a new one. The old job was making me miserable.Every.Single.Day. I wasn’t  happy.
Me being a  creative person felt like a waste.
I quit the job took a break.
I am now a week from starting a new one, hoping that it could be a building block for where I want to be.

Then I hear:  what are you doing, shouldn’t you be doing this that and whatvever.

I started the process of changing and living life true to myself. Being completely and utterly true to me. I felt I was betraying myself and possibly wasting life away if that meant doing things just to get with it. I am on this journey solely because I heard the voice in me say that it was the right thing to do. Something in me said I had to do it. I don’t know how but I had to take a chance.
I know that —

Regret is bitter.

I still don’t know if it was instinct. I am hoping that when years go by and I look back and clearly see at what point my life had changed and be immensely happy about it.

It is scary; this new change. Doing something out of my educational background – here ,following my inner voice – hoping that it will be alright. Desperately hope I don’t screw up this time.

For couple of weeks  I was feeling positive how things were going, I was happy of having this  new job lined up.
But….

But..somewhere in the back of my mind I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I know I should be holding my own, believing myself and mute out the voices I hear.  Right now that seems to be tough.
I am very aware that I have doubts, fear. But I also know that it’s only me who is standing in my way, and pulling myself apart.
I need not to do that.  ASAP!

I am desperate to line up things in life. I am not afraid of hard work, and I love learning. I am finally doing something that I hope more than ever will make me happy and learn that it is something I am meant to do.

It is scary,exciting, confusing and othwe adjectives I can’t even come up with. This change is  totally out of my comfort zone, but I read “life begins at the end of comfort zone” .

I am sticking to that quote, and keeping my fingers crossed.I want to be a brave bad ass and make that change, learn a lot, persevere, live a lot. I know I have taken a step towards it.

Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever. ~ Nancy Lopez

Photo credit: Magadelene-Jordan McQueen

xx

Related:
23 and lost

Life is pain

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8 comments

  1. You’ll be fine. 🙂 And i say this while kicking myself for not yet founding the courage to just quit my job as well, since i’ve been dwealling with the same Annoying whispers in my head. My problem is that i don’t exactly know what i’m good at… Chase your dreams and don’t worry about the fear of the unknown.

    Like

    • yeah I know that feeling of not knowing what you’re supposed to do in life, makes you envy/in awe of of all those who found their calling.

      The claustrophobia of never getting out of the previous job got me out of there.

      Take your time till you find something… good luck

      Liked by 1 person

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